The Mouth

When I was in 8th grade, our fiercely challenging, academically stringent, hard-knocks Catholic school sponsored a week-long class ski trip in the middle of the school year. Reach for those accredited stars, Sacred Heart School. Anyway, we sold overpriced wrapping paper to pay for it – the kind where the company would award the top seller with White Sox tickets. Laura Bales would always kick ass because her dad would take the order form to work and have all his coworkers go bananas on it. My dad worked by himself. And I was a shit salesperson. Still am. I so take no for an answer.

But I never won the tickets. Whatever, screw the Sox.

Anyway, while on the trip in Eagle River, Wis., my dear friend-to-this-day, Meghann Mundy, and I noticed a gourmet food shop near the ski lodge advertising homemade fudge. Only the sign outside didn’t say “homemade fudge,” it said “ho-made fudge.” I remember standing there in the parking lot, wearing our skis (don’t ask), just roaring laughing. Ho-made it said! Man, I nearly laughed my braces off. The best part about it was the sign was one of those cheap plastic tent-shaped numbers that the letters just slid into from the side. There was more than enough space on the board to allow for that extra character they decided to forgo at the expense of properly spelling “homemade.” Our guess was that they ran out of Ms.

This is one serious segue because this recipe has nothing to do with fudge. I love me some fudge, but I’m not a big baker. I will come down on a dessert, but frankly nowadays I’d rather have a glass of wine. So yeah, recipe… let’s see here. What do I want to talk about … Oooh, lentil soup. But not just any lentil soup, ho-made lentil soup.

Eh? Eh? You following me now?

<cough> Anyway.

I made this recently after going to the grocery store and realizing how weak the canned soup selection was. Greg had asked me to look for lentil and the closest I found was “chunky hamburger barley” with roughly ∞ sodium. Yes, that’s the infinity symbol. It had that many sodium. So I said “F this” (yes, it was aloud) and decided to just make it. So I grabbed a few cheap ingredients, some wine (one for the soup, two for me) and flipped the soup aisle the bird. This is really easy to make, healthy and freezes like a champ. Sure it’s not the best weather for soup right now, but let’s not kid ourselves: We still have cold weather left in store. Crap.

Kerry’s Ho-Made Lentil Soup:

2 cups dried lentils, rinsed

about 8 cups chicken stock (I use ho-made stock – that’ll be another blog)

1 cup chopped onion

1 cup chopped celery

1 cup chopped carrot

1 cup chopped new potato

1 cup of whatever other root veg you like – parsnips, rutabaga, turnip – anything else equally maligned (all above veg should be chopped small and approx. the same size)

3 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 cup each, red wine, white wine

1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes

splash balsamic vinegar

sprig of fresh thyme

1 three-inch piece of parmesan cheese rind (very optional but really good)

some olive oil, salt and pepper

In a big ol’ pot with a lid, heat a couple tablespoons olive oil over medium heat. Add onion, carrots and celery and sauté for a few minutes until they get all sweaty. Don’t brown them. About a minute after you add the veg, add the garlic and stir for about a minute. Add the potatoes and whatever other veg you got and stir them around to get them coated with the oil and steaming for a minute. Add some salt and pepper – about a teaspoon each. When the veg start to stick to the bottom of the pan, add the cup of white wine to loosen all that crap up. Wait a minute for it to evaporate. Keep a-stirrin’, dude.

Dump rinsed lentils in, give them a stir and then add the stock. Stir a second more. Wait for it to come up to a low boil, and then reduce the heat to low to med-low and simmer, covered, for about 15 to 20 minutes. Drink wine.

By this time, it will start smelling really good. But wait, there’s more. Add the canned tomatoes, red wine, thyme and cheese rind, if you have one. Simmer, uncovered this time, for another 15 or 20 minutes. At this point it’s done, but it’ll be up to you if it’s the right flavor and consistency. Going a little longer will thicken the soup and intensify the flavor.

So if you’re done and if you have a blender, immersion blender or food processor, turn off the flame, ditch the thyme and rind and transfer about a ¼ of the soup into whatever machine you’re using. Blend that sucker up and add it back to the pot. If you don’t have any of that stuff, take a potato masher to it for a little bit. Anyway, stir with the splash of balsamic and put the heat on super low to keep it warm. Taste for salt and pepper – it’ll probably need more. Serve that B with grated parmesan cheese and, well, more wine.

Oh, and apologies to my mom for grossing her out with the last post’s mention of perverse hanky panky. Sorry, Ma.

I started eating seafood about four years ago. As a child, I would have to leave the house if my mom was making tuna-fish sandwiches and put my head between my knees and do deep breathing exercises if I was fish-adjacent at a restaurant. I forced myself to get over this abject fear while at some Cajun joint in southern Louisiana. It was either the grilled shrimp or a zydeco meat pie. I appreciated the transparency in the shrimp option. As it turns out, they were pretty freaking good.

I’ve come a long way since then. I love me some crab. I can tear the ass out of raw tuna. I have embraced the bivalve. Yet with salmon, I am lost. I never really got the appeal – that color, the odor, hacking up those pin bones when they get trapped around the punching bag in your throat. It is just nasty.

My boyfriend, Greg, adores it. He would dangle the option out there like a blood-logged leech-on-a-hook to grill on warm nights or bake on cold ones. He talked of rosemary and ginger and a white wine braise. He talked of superb quality at certain overpriced grocery chains. He talked of the health benefits – the clear skin, the smooth hair, the sustained energy. All the while, I made gagging noises and shook my head like a picky toddler.

But he broke me. In the same spirit of trying shrimp in Louisiana, I decided to capitulate and let Greg make me his salmon. It was the least I could do – I’ve forced him to eat some terrible crap. So I abdicated the kitchen, grabbed myself some wine to calm the freak down and waited for that fish tank smell to permeate the apartment. It never came. Instead I smelled herbs and garlic and white wine. There were the appealing sounds of sharp knives on wood, the crumple of the papery garlic skin and the telltale pop of yet another wine bottle opening. Hallelujah.

Minutes later, he emerged. There were two steaming fillets perched on two of our few matching plates. Next to them, kidney beans braised in stock with jalapenos and onions. Then there was cornbread – actual cornbread made in an actual cast iron skillet – cut into wedges and wrapped in a kitchen towel. I went slackjawed – then my knees buckled. Then I ate.

God, it was good. I guess that means I’m over it.

Greg’s “I’m Over It” Salmon:

2 wild salmon fillets, approx. ½ pound each (defrosted if frozen – those are pretty good)
Tbsp. each minced garlic and ginger, rosemary
One cup decent, dry white wine
A little butter or olive oil, salt and pepper

Heat a biggish nonstick skillet coated with olive oil or butter over medium heat – don’t heat it up empty – nonstickiness emits some scary fumes or something. If it’s butter, keep an eye on it so it doesn’t burn.

Sprinkle flesh side of fillets with garlic, ginger, rosemary, salt and pepper. Pat them down into the meat a little bit. Flip those puppies over into the pan, flesh side down and let ‘em rip for about 4-5 minutes. Carefully turn them so the skin side is down, add wine and partially cover for another 4-5 minutes, or until they’re done the way you like them. Remove, put on a plate and eat the shit out of them. Then demand deviant sexual favors in return from whomever you cooked for.

Quick, Spicy Beans:
(this is actually a different recipe – Greg’s not home now so I don’t exactly know how to make his version. This is something I made up last night. They were pretty dang good.)

Half cup of roughly chopped onions
Half cup of jalapenos (with seeds and ribs) cut into rings
Three cloves garlic, minced
2 cans black beans, rinsed and drained
Half cup of canned, chopped tomatoes with juice
Splash (1/4 cup?) of decent, dry white wine or chicken stock
Salt and pepper
Tbsp olive oil
Chopped cilantro, optional

Heat olive oil in large skillet over medium heat, add onion. Sweat (but do not brown) the onion for a minute or two and then add jalapeno. Do the same. Add garlic. Heat until fragrant and then add the beans. Add salt and pepper and stir the dudes up for a minute. Lower the heat and let the beans simmer in the tomato juices. When they dry up, add the wine and let them simmer in its boozy goodness. Stir periodically. It’s basically ready when the wine is absorbed, the beans are warm and your ass is hungry. Sprinkle with cilantro. Enjoy.